How I feel about life...

2012-02-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

My self esteem is so low. I'm just constantly reacting to my environment. For example, if my roommates don't give me as much attention as I would like, deep inside I react poorly, and I feel depressed.

I spent more time today thinking about leaving the church, although not as much as Friday night. That night I had a 50/50 chance of going out and checking out a gay night club. I think I was leaning towards it, then my friend called me up and ask to go to a movie. I didn't know how to say no, so despite my grumpiness, I went anyway.

I can't remember the last time I've done so much soul searching. Urghhhhhh.

2012-02-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

I can't help but continue to feel how much I hate living in the church. I don't actually feel this way most of the time, but when I do feel it, it is very intense.

The thought is, if I'm so miserable in the church, why don't I go look elsewhere. Times like this the temptation is very high.

2012-02-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and one of the first things that crosses my mind is perhaps I'm just being overly sensitive. Surely there are tons of people on this planet who have life worse than me. All things considered I have quite a good life, other than the extreme loneliness.

I often think how lucky I am to have a job that I love and that I make relatively a very good income, that is more than most people I know. Not that I'm prideful about how much I make, because I don't really care that much, but it does help compensate for all the other inadequacies I feel in life, and I do feel a lot of inadequacies about a lot of things. Although if there is one thing I've learnt, is that money does not buy happiness. All the objects in the world can't make up for a lack of human connection.

It is amazing for me to think about how dicey my situation is. That I'm closer than ever to jumping ship. I think the last time I spent so much time thinking about leaving the church was probably 5 years ago. So it really has been quite a while. And all this points to a deep lack of testimony. I don't believe enough to not think about leaving.

2012-02-12T22:37:00.000-08:00

I guess I might be documenting my slow decay out of the church. I don't want to leave but I'm finding life in the church just more and more unbearable. In a way, it just really means that I don't love God enough to stick around.

I was watching my straight roommates with girls tonight, and I just thought to myself that what I was watching was impossible for me to replicate.

I've thought a lot about leaving the church in recent weeks. I went and talked to my new bishop last week. I really hadn't talked to any bishop in over a year. He was nice but seemed clueless.

For the first time in my life, I've started to resent the church. I've never felt this way before, but I resent the church for keeping me in such a miserable life. I'm tired of watching people around me fall in love and me not knowing what it feels like.

I just don't want to be miserable anymore. Not that I necessarily think that gay lifestyle is sunshine and rainbows....well maybe there is lots of rainbows there.

I just don't know. I'm so miserable. If I only knew what it felt like to be in love.

2010-09-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

Church was actually more fun than I expected. Considering I hadn't been in a few week, and even more that I was some what inconsistent in my church attendance before that. Interestingly enough quite a few men approached me to say hi. I sort of wasn't expecting that. I some what expected to coast through the 3 hours.

The most fun part of today was this guy whom I met through some other friend a couple of nights ago on a night out. He came up from behind me tapped me on the shoulder to say hi. Then later on in came and sat next to me in class and started chatting with me. And then we sat together in sacrament meeting, showing each other our photos on our phone. It all seemed to have happened so naturally and without fuss. It is interactions like this that make me generally prefer osa friendships over ssa friendships.

Over the weekend at evergreen conference, I met only one ssa guy who came close to exhibiting the friendliness of my friend from church today. Interestingly enough I think my anxiety about this ssa guy has only just passed. It has passed through multiple stages today. The most recent being about an hour ago when I started to miss him. I thought to myself, freak I barely know him, how can I miss him? It just really shows that he left quite an impression on me. Then it stirred up feelings of fear. Fear that if I can become a borderline emotional wreak for barely knowing him, what happens if I spend more time with him? Then I start to freak and think I need to keep him away from me.

Realistically, even if I were to keep tabs on this guy, I wouldn't see him more than once in two months. Because I must rather concentrate on spending time on things and people that help me, not distract me.

2010-09-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

I decided to turn the blog back on today after a few months of having the settings be on private. I guess I like the idea of having some feedback on my thoughts by strangers, even though I know there is only a handful of strangers whom have read my blog over the years. I guess there is a possibility that it might be therapeutic for me to put some of my thoughts down in writing.

Thoughts in no particular order, maybe except maybe in the order they weight most heavily on my mind.

+ Met this guy at the evergreen conference this weekend. He made quite the impression on me. I would say he was very charismatic. He seemed pretty well connected in the active church going ssa world. I asked for his number at one point because I had an interest in keeping in touch with him, but I'm quite shy about wanting to hang out with his ssa group. Because I've learnt from the past that group ssa settings can be very unhealthy for me. So right now there is some anxiety about how to maintain a friendship with him, without the friends. The anxiety comes from a lack of clarity about how things might pan out. In some ways, I kind of wish I will quickly forget about him, and just move on. Yea, there is definitely tons and tons of anxiety about how I feel about him right now.

+ The whole weekend at evergreen has been really strange for me. Often I've felt a weird vibe about how others acted around me. I think from my perspective it looked like a seeming lack of interest from them to me. It is hard to say exactly why I feel that way. Maybe it's not them but me. Maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there. Maybe it is because they don't know me that well because I'm not in their day-to-day group of friends. Maybe they were just feeling shy. Or maybe they just weren't that interested in me. It really could be anything, and unless I straight out ask, I will never really know. But time and time again, often times I will notice from my perspective that ssa men don't act like osa men. As insecure as I can be sometimes, I feel a lot more comfortable around osa men than ssa men.

+ The last month and a half, or maybe the last two months have been tough. I'm fine during the week, but like clock works, I plunge into depression every weekend, starting Friday. I think it is because overwhelmingly I've felt lonely. This Friday, I finally forced myself to a) reach out b) actually go out with some friends. It was to do something social, even if I almost backed out of it at the last minute.

+ I think as I've further reflected on how I felt at evergreen, I often envied some of the close friendships I saw. I suppose I wished I had some of those same connections with those men, but I understand I haven't spent enough time with any of those men to sufficiently bond with them. And realistically, I'm not going to spend sufficient time with any of those men any time soon. And there is a possibility that I never will. Because generally I prefer the personalities of osa people, I find them easier to bond with.

+ I don't read my scriptures. I just can't bring myself to do it. Not because I have any negative feelings about it. More just that I find it so boring. I feel guilty about it a lot.

+ Effeminate men scare me like crazy. I swear my heart rate jumps when I'm around them. There were a few of them at evergreen this weekend. It was sort of challenging to be next to one at times and put on a brave face and pretend that I'm not scared. I think the core issue of me being afraid is that I'm afraid that I may get influenced by them and pick up effeminate traits. That would be a nightmare scenario. I like the fact that generally no one ever suspects that I have ssa, and I would like to keep it that one. Surprisingly there were quite a few guys at evergreen, whom I would never pick out as having ssa. They looked very and acted very osa.

+ I'll be off to church in a couple of hours. I haven't been in a few weeks. I feel a little bit of anxiety in going. It kind of feels like I'm playing a RPG game, I'm starting on a new mission, and I have a bunch of tasks to complete. The tasks while seemingly easy, require some hard work on my behalf....

Tasks:
- Actively engage with people: talking with people can mentally exhaust me really quickly sometimes
- Constantly act happy: This is fine when I am happy, but if I'm not then it tires me really quickly too
- Further develop existing friendships: This is where my insecurities come in, like do these people really like me? My negative self talk can take over pretty quickly.
- Find new friendships: This can require quite a bit of mental strategy
- Find a potential females to date: This is probably by far the most taxing task on my list.

2010-06-27T04:34:00.000-07:00

Been doing a bit of traveling the last couple of weeks. Found myself highly se_xually charged most of the time. Probably because the weather was warm and there were tons of handsome good looking backpacker men around.

After spending better part of a week wondering if I should visit a nu_de beach that I knew was along the way, I decided to go. And it just so happens that the one I happened to be near by was a gay one. Interestingly enough, of all the times I was traveling this was the one place where I felt the least se_xual charge. Maybe it was because old gay men either don't interest me or are just a little scary to me. Plus there weren't that many people around so there wasn't too much to look at. After a few hours I was done and started to leave. This older guy was leaving at the same time so I struck up a conversation with him. I then took the opportunity to clarify an even earlier with another guy that was hanging around close by to me. And as I suspected this older men confirmed that this other guy was looking to hookup with me, and when this guy walked into the bushes while watching me, I was supposed to follow him in there. Which was pretty much what I suspected at the time. I was a little tempted, I then thought what would the consequences be if I gave into temptation, and the thought of being excommunicated from the church was not worth a fews minutes of whatever.

The following day, as I parked in town, I step out and noticed this guy walking across the street. I noticed him because I thought he was pretty good looking. Strangely enough he started looking back. And we exchanged glares. And then I think what an odd behavior from a straight guy. So he walks past me, and every few steps he would turn he head back and stare back at me. I just stood there and just watched him as he walked away. And then I thought yea he is not straight. Then I think, I have a few hours to kill, I could totally walk up after him and see if he wants to hangout for a bit. I can't see why he would say no. Of cause I knew better than to go hangout with good looking guy who might want to mess around with me.

So today while I was sightseeing around down, my GPS took me pass a gay part of town. I've been here before in previous years, so there's nothing I hadn't see before. There was a part of me that wanted to find a parking spot and just walk around for a while, but then I thought what for? What business do I have to be there. So I didn't stop.

2010-05-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

I talked to my therapist today about how much contact with other ssa people was appropriate. I shared my experiences with some ssa men, that in my opinion were particularly flaky and quite unreliable. And I shared that I almost never experience those attributes from my straight guy friends. I said my experience between the groups were like night and day. I said other than the few ssa men that I like and get along with, everyone else is automatically assumed to be unreliable and not trust worthy, UNLESS proven otherwise.

He said I shouldn't generalize everybody. Yea I can't argue with that. He has a point.

On another note, my straight guy friend wants to set me up with a female friend of his. Fun. haha.

2010-05-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

Reflections on the last week or so...

I was at the supermarket getting some food yesterday. Couldn't help but notice this really attractive guy. I had a great desire to get to know him better, but that wasn't all that realistic. So I just savored the few different times we crossed paths, either accidentally or intentionally by me.

Similar thing happened again last night while I was bowling with some friends. In the next lane over there were two attractive guys bowling. They really had my attention for quite a bit of the night. For two reasons. First they were darn attractive, and secondly they bowled really good. Put the two attributes together, it's a combo that I can't ignore...haha.

I was playing glee on the ipad with my roommate's girlfriend yesterday morning. She did all the singing because I can't sing to save my life We then listened other random people singing from around the world. Some were really good and some were not so good, but I found myself thinking about looking for reasons to rate them a star, that is looking for the positives, as oppose to looking for the negatives.

A phrase came into my mind earlier in the week, and it has stuck since. It was 'everybody has feelings'. When I look at the world through those eyes, I'm a little more patient, a little more caring, a little slower to judge, and a little quicker to help.

I don't have the ideal body by any means, but as I looked in the mirror yesterday, I thought I like my body. It's not what men look like in the magazines, but considering how little effort I put into exercise, it's good enough :) Definitely wondering if me not drinking soda is a contributor to the me I see in the mirror. I used to be addicted to soda, it is almost 10 weeks without. I went to a fast food place this week with a friend and just ordered a burger, there was no point getting the meal if I can't drink the soda.

I'm going to set a goal for this summer to bowling consistently above 160, because I'm so inconsistent. I'm going to learn to play golf. I'm going to practice on my basketball game and working on nailing the shots more consistently.

I also want to do some traveling this summer, locally and globally. If everything pans out, I could be making 4 different trips with 4 different groups of people. It should be pretty fun. Especially since I like all of these people. Some of whom I'm very close to.

2010-05-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

Response to an anonymous post that was rejected from being posted: I like your sarcasm. Yea you are a little witty. I like my straight friends, and they like me. So I am predisposed to have good looking straight guys as friends. Friendship is a two way street, they've also chosen to be my friend. It's not like I have a 'magic fairy wand' that I wave and say be my friend. Is there much of a difference between being shallow and being judgmental? I'll let you think about that one.

2010-04-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

Do gay people really like Gap or something? I've seen gay boys in that place a number of times now. Most recently I knew one of them. He was with a friend, and his friend was some what flamboyant looking. I felt really uncomfortable in his presence, so I kept the chit chat short.

I've met some cute straight boys lately. Now my mind is wondering what is the best way to reach out and establish a good friendship with them.

2010-04-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

Recent events:

On Sunday my home teachers came over to give me a lesson. The one giving the lesson was attractive. Half way through the lesson, I realized that I was too distracted by his attractiveness to have any idea what he was saying. I then secretly hoped he wouldn't ask me any questions about his talk, because I wouldn't know what to say. Luckily he didn't.

I am meeting up with one of you dear readers for lunch next week. I'm looking forward to it. It should be fun.

I've said this a number of times in previous posts... my life is better without SSA men in it. My life has been so consistently drama free since I deleted a great many SSA men from my phone a couple of months back. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the community a little, but I'm not willing to pay the price of instability that in my experience comes with certain men in the community.

Nevertheless I haven't disregarded every SSA men I know. I've cherry picked a few here and there to keep in contact with. And all of these men are drama free. I had lunch with one guy yesterday.

I met up with a new therapist yesterday. He is fairly well known as someone who has seen a great many SSA clients. He agreed with my suspicion that there was not much work left for me to do in terms of my relationships to (straight) men. And so he will help me work on feeling more comfortable around women.

2010-04-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

I asked my handsome straight friend if he'd be interested in going on a road trip with me in the summer. Take 2 weeks off and drive cross country and back. He said maybe. I spent the rest of the day, dreaming about how much fun it would be to spend that amount of one on one time with him.

2010-04-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

Reflection on the week that was....

1. Root Canal....ouch.

2. Feel like I'm starting to get some where with a particular SSA friend. He has been a real tough nut to crack. I think it has been worth the investment of time and effort.

3. Reconnected with another old SSA friend. He seems to be at a pretty good place emotionally. Which is good for me. I can't handle SSA people who's emotions are out of whack.

4. Another SSA friend is exploring on connexion. He said he is just looking for 'friends'. I said to him that he was lying to himself.

5. 46 days without p&m. I'm a little proud. It wasn't that long ago I couldn't go a few days without looking.

6. Definitely feelings some healthy love and attention from OSA friends. This kind of happiness, money can't not buy. Because it is genuine.

7. I had a dream that I met a girl and we were to be wed.

8. Had my highest score in bowling ever!

9. Saw my straight friend naked in the gym shower. He is a cute guy.

10. Got a massage by a hot-ish looking guy. Although I think he might be gay.

2010-04-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

General thoughts about life in recent times...

1. I'm making some good friendships with straight men. They bring a great deal of stability to my life. Without them, I think I'd go crazy. Which I suppose says to me that I don't have enough stability from with in and I rely on others to give it to me. Nevertheless, stability no matter how I get it is a good thing. Stability is the opposite of instability. Instability is a nightmare I don't wish to return to anytime soon.

2. It's interesting to think that SSA men has almost entirely vanished from my life. I have my moments when I miss them, but as time passes I miss them less and less. Someone commented to me a while back that it appeared that I had defensive detachment towards SSA men. It's kind of odd to think about it that way, but I'd say there is truth in that statement. I now very blankly generalize SSA men as being untrustworthy.

3. My straight guy friends who know about my SSA are the ones who make the most effort to be a dependable friend to me.

4. Unknown guy facebook friend requests me today. I had no idea who he was but it seemed we had mutual SSA friends, one of whom I don't feel highly of. I wrote back and asked how do we know each other? I don't know if I really want to add this SSA man as facebook friend, given I just went thru my facebook and purged most ssa people not that long ago.

5. My sense of masculinity increases all the time. It's a little bit here, and a little bit there, and when I add all the little bits together, it becomes a whole lot. Feeling masculine helps me feel good.

6. There is one SSA guy that I like a great deal, and we are on fairly friendly terms. I see him about once per month. For a while it seemed satisfactory, but I'm beginning to feel that once per month seems too little. At once per month, he feels like an item on my check list of things to do. For me to feel better about our friendship, I would want to see him more often. But I'm not sure he'd be up for that. If he weren't I then would have to choose between accepting for the status quo or put him into the acquaintance category and see him even less frequently.

7. I need to exercise more. I keep day dreaming about a washboard stomach that I've never had.

2010-03-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

It is so nice to have emotional stability back in my life. I'm happy most of the time these days. I have really good friends who care a great deal about me, which has been incredibly helpful to me. They provide stability for me. I know without them I'd go crazy, or rather I'd be stuck in the depressed mood I felt in recent months.

2010-03-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am so looking forward to this week coming up. I think there will be quite a few opportunities to hangout with really cute straight boys. What more do I need really? huh?

2010-03-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

When there is a need to tell straight people (specifically men) that I have ssa/gay feelings, I have a hard time saying those words, so instead I say it in a round about way, that I'm not attracted to women. It just seems less scary to say it that way.

2010-03-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

Another day where life just feels normal. I used to take days like this for granted. It wasn't until I spent months where I felt life was unbalanced and out of control that I can truly appreciate days like this.

There's this one guy that I see in the open showers every now and then. Seeing him almost always gets me erect. It's not like I want to be erect, there's something about him that really grabs my attention. I saw him this morning, luckily I was in the corner, so I just turned around and face the corner and waited for it to go down.

I've started going back to a se_ual addiction group recently. There's something really interesting about hearing about other people's problem. One of the guys there is my age and oh goodness he is good looking. I don't know him real well, but I've been practically daydreaming about him all week. Already in my head I'm sort of wondering how I can befriend him outside of the group. We've been chatting online, and it's been fun.

2010-03-15T23:40:00.001-07:00

Spent part of the night bonding with straight roommate playing PS3. Good times.

2010-03-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

In my dream last night, someone asked me if I knew Jesus died for me? I said I knew about it, but I don't really have a testimony of it.

That is I've never given the crucifixion much thought other than hearing about it in Sunday school. I definitely believe there is a God and he has a son. And I guess I believe the stories that he died for each of us. I guess what I am saying is that I don't know it with a passion as I do about other things. For example, I know the Book of Mormon is of God, there is no doubt.

2010-03-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

Life in recent times has truly felt like I've come out of this deep dark hole, into a place where the sunshine never goes away. I don't know what to make of it. I'm happy with my life nearly all the time now. For sure life for me still has it's challenges, but they don't seem all consuming, at least they haven't been in a while.

Christ teaches that we are to love one another and to help lift up one another. I feel so very lucky that there are multiple men in my life whom all have a keen interest in lifting me up. I know I'm in a better place emotionally because of them. What these men give me is 'stability'. With out stability, I feel out of control, and for a while that's how my life felt for me. I'm definitely feel very blessed to have found these men.

2010-03-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

It sort of dawned on me this morning that I'm becoming emotionally attached to multiple straight guys at the same time. It's always been one at a time in the past, so this new experiences is confusing to my brain. Since they are straight, this will always be a one-way attachment, from me to them. Which is fine, I know the rules of the game. Of cause red flags are going off in my head that something is not right. I'm putting myself in a situation that does not feel healthy. I think it's time to readjust expectations in my head.

2010-03-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

Human se_uality is more fluid that I thought. Even though I always kind of understood it to be fluid. A good straight friend of mine was telling me today that he has never had a close male friend until he was an adult. So I said to him that sounds like what ssa guy would say. He then told me that he has wondered about what it would be like to go down on a guy. Although he has never acted on these thoughts. My friend seems straight as a nail, so it seems to be just a case of curiosity.

I went to someone's party tonight. There was a guy there that seems kind of cute, but then as I watched him, something seemed not right. He has gay mannerisms and I could spot them. His cuteness factory instantly dropped. Which is really not that surprising since my attractions seems to be most intense around straight guys.

I used to have to steal a glance at locker room guy, now I'm almost guaranteed to see him in the full monty twice per week right after our basketball game. He is so good looking. I think about him fully clothed a lot in recent days. I think I'm developing a crush on him.

READ THIS!!!

2010-03-11T18:46:00.000-08:00

One of you left some bad bad bad words on my blog and my internet filter picked it up and sent to my Bishop. I didn't find out about it until a whole day had passed after the report was sent out. So I don't actually know if my bishop saw this blog before I turned it off.

No more uncivilized words please. It's not cool. If you feel an itch to say something less than positive please go read some other blog. There is no need to come here if the contents here make you uncomfortable.

Comment moderation has been turned on. No comments will go live unless I approve it.

2010-03-03T22:11:00.000-08:00

I went to a basketball game with two buddies tonight. Sitting in the row in front of me was this guy I played a pick up game of basketball with a couple of months back. He was very much what I'd call eye candy. Sitting behind him was very distracting for me, half the time I'm watching the game, the other half I'm watching him. I said hi to him and he remembered who I was.

2010-03-03T11:45:00.000-08:00

Upon reflection, yes it's true, I do seem to have less tolerance for lds ssa people. I guess my heart has been harden by my experience of the people whom I've met. I do give more lead way to straight and in the lifestyle gay people.

I hope this will be one of the last time I write anymore about ssa lds people. I think that conversation has run it's course.

2010-03-03T06:22:00.000-08:00

No p0 rn for 7 days for me, given recent history, that is pretty impressive. Although it does seem to get a little easier each day. The real test would be when I next have a really down day, then I'll be tempted like crazy. It definitely is my drug when I'm feeling down.

Sometimes I say things when I know I shouldn't. Call it immaturity. I definitely have my immature moments. I need to learn to exercise more control over my emotions. In every man's life there is a time when they need to learn to grow up, and I think I'm long over due.

I hung out with a new straight friend last night. He is crazy good looking and really fun to be around. Our personalities really click. A couple of times he has kind of softly probed why I wasn't already married, I just kind of shrug them off.

2010-03-03T06:01:00.000-08:00

Yes there are misspellings etc on my blog. If it bothers you a lot, just go read some other blog. The internet is a pretty big place. Or go do something with your friends. While this blog is open and you are welcome to come, however, you can just as easily not come.

2010-03-02T14:53:00.000-08:00

Okay let's put a few issues to rest now because it seems I've needed to clarify stuff a few times now. I'll paraphrase some questions I've been getting. And I'd like to put this behind me now, because I'm moving on.

Q. What's the deal with your seeming anger/issue/disappointment/etc with other ssa/gay people?
A. I moved to my new city last August. Never have I seen so many active ssa people before. I was definitely very interested in getting to know a great deal of these men. Over the course of a few months, it became very evident to me that while I would hangout with some of these men from time to time, their interest in replying to me when I reach out by phone or text is very poor. When I get no responses I start to form an opinion about the status of the friendship. The possible solutions are either they are not interested in maintaing a friendship with me, or they are very flaky with their friendships. Either way, I don't feel like either choice is a good thing for me. I'm not interested in trying to be friends with people(s) who aren't interested in being friends with me. Nor am I interested in being friends with people who are too flaky with their friendships. It is my personal choice and I am entitled to it.

Q. Do you hate gay people?
A. No I don't. I've actually like most of the real gays that live the lifestyle that I've met over the years. It's the ssa lds people that I've met in my new home that I take issue to. I'm not interested in people who aren't interested in me or who are just plain flaky.

Q. What do you rent on so much about LDS SSA people on your blog?
A. For whatever reason it bothered me a great deal that a great many of these lds ssa people were seemingly ignoring me. Enough so that I became very depressed over it. I felt pretty down for a couple of months. Over a little a month ago I started deleting phone number off my phone. Day by day I've seen a great deal of improvement in my level of happiness. By deleting phone numbers I put an end to me having anymore feelings over the rejections I felt.

Q. If your straight friends knew about the real you they would they still want to be your friend?
A. Nearly all of my very closet straight friends know about my ssa. And we are still very close.

Q. Friendships can't be forced, they grow "organically".
A. When one half of the party has an inability to respond to the other half, there is no friendship. It is not possible to have the friendship grow "organically" when one half is not participate in anyway. And yes I do agree friendship can't be forced. If I was trying to force friendships then I'd still have those deleted numbers on my phone and I'd still be reaching out.

Q. Maybe it's not them, maybe it's you? Maybe you don't know how to make friends?
A. Possibly, I am open to that possibility. Nothing is impossible. And perhaps there is or was something that I was doing that I was not aware of. Let's put it this way, my text book understanding is that most gay/ssa guys have a inability to make (close) straight guy friends. My understanding is that most gay/ssa guys grow up with mostly only female friends. I grew up with mostly guy friends. Even as an adult, most of my friends are straight guys. I generally don't have much trouble making straight guy friends. So I've let you know your assumption is not correct. If I didn't know how to make friends, I wouldn't have any, period.

Q. Lots of gay men are in stable loving relationships.
A. Possibly, I don't doubt that it is possible. Although I have seen statics/research done by pro-gay gay researchers that came to the conclusion that very few gay relationships last more than 5 years, and of the ones that are long term, most have an open relationship.

Q. Why do you judge SSA people so harshly?
A. Just the ones that have let me down.

Q. Were you expecting too much from these people?
A. That is a good question. In hindsight, I would say yes. I have since adjusted my expectations to something more realistic, nil.

In summary....
+ It is my textbook understanding and real world understanding from the mouth's of other ssa men, that in the ssa community, friendships between different men can be volatile. I'm not the first person to have experienced disappointment with friendships with other ssa men. And likely I won't be the last.
+ Recently I had a chat with a ssa men over lunch and he recounted his recent experience of several other ssa men who expressed their ill feelings towards him. I've heard stories like this from more than one ssa person.
+ There are in fact a number of ssa people that I do like quite a lot, and whom I feel that I have a relationship of mutual respect.

2010-02-28T19:34:00.000-08:00

The skinny guy in Express' catalogue is pretty darn hot. I can't remember the last time I was influenced by a clothing catalogue, but I think I might need to make a trip into Express sometime this week.

2010-02-28T11:21:00.000-08:00

Looks like someone has redesigned the layout of the Ensign magazine. It looks a lot better than the old version.

2010-02-28T10:07:00.000-08:00

Quote:
"A relationship between a heterosexual and a homosexual of the same sex is likely to be more stable than between two homosexuals"
- Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, page 42.

2010-02-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

I think today is day 4 of no p&m, with my accountability partner looking over me. It's been kind of rough, because the temptations have been there.

A different friend asked me to fast today, so I am. I'm thirsty though. Hopefully I can last the whole day. It sure won't be easy, and will test my will power. Although if I can make it to lunch time, I'd be pretty happy.

I had a couple of back and forths with a ssa friend this week via email (ie not on this blog). Negotiating the terms of our friendship. It seems we couldn't come to an agreement. The last email exchanged was from me, he hasn't bothered to reply to me, the ball is in his court, and if I continue to hear nothing, I'm willing to let the friendship die. People who don't reply to me are just not important to me. This experience was sort of a stark contrast to a couple of straight guy friends I spoke to this week. I spoke to them individually and they both were very accommodating to my needs. Which sort of leads me to draw the conclusion that from my life experiences thus far, ssa men often can't give me what I need or want because they often don't have it them self. Whereas, I often get what I want/need from straight men because they already have it in abundance.

In a way, my personal experiences have confirmed what I've read in Nicolosi's book. The greatest healing does come from straight men.

2010-02-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

My handsome roommate fell asleep to watching ESPN. That pretty much proves he is as straight as a nail, not that I ever doubted him.

2010-02-25T19:40:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of conversations with new accountability partner. He has given me some very encouraging words so far. And he speak my 'love languages' very well. That is why I like him a lot. And why his opinion of me matters a great deal to me. Although there is still a small part of me that is scared that even his opinion of me might not be enough for me to break my addiction. Only time can tell, however, I am hopeful.

2010-02-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

There were all these random SSA facebook friends that I've collected in the previous 5 or 6 months. I don't talk to most of them. So I decided to remove them tonight. It was delete, delete, delete, etc, etc.

A couple of you read this blog. Sorry, it's not personal. I just felt the need to de-gay my life. If we really are meant to be friends, then we can keep in contact some other way, ie, phone or email or this blog.

2010-02-24T21:23:00.000-08:00

I found a new accountability partner for my crazy p0 rn addiction. He expressed concern if I'd really care enough about what he thought of me if he knew about me messing up. I said at the time that I wasn't that sure if I did care that much if he knew. But thinking about it later, I think I do care about his opinion of me more than I first realized. Although only time can tell how strong of a motivating factor he can be for me. Not going to lie, I feel pretty lucky to have a friend like him. Since I first asked him for some support a couple of months back for ssa, he really has step out in a big way for me. In a way more than he needs to. He said to me that me reaching out to him was what he felt as God's plan, both for him and myself.

2010-02-23T19:38:00.000-08:00

At the gym sauna tonight I saw this guy who was pretty good looking. First impression was that he seemed pretty straight, then I started noticing a number of little things that seemed not quite right. Now I'm wondering if he might be family. There's a part of me that is pretty interested in keeping an eye out for him next time, but at the same time, what I am going to do with him anyway, especially if he is family. It's not like I'm going to go and sleep with him. He was interested enough in me to ask for my name as we were both leaving the gym. Which is a fairly innocent act, and I'm not reading too much into it.

2010-02-22T21:39:00.000-08:00

I'm a sucker for people who are nice to me. A different straight guy said he would hang out with me Wednesday afternoon and help me with my scripture reading. Put me back on the straight and narrow. I like this guy a lot too. When I first met him some months back, I thought he was just smoking hot, these days not so much. I don't know what happened. Obviously I know this is exactly what the textbook says would happen. Not going to lie, I'm disappointed that I don't find him anywhere near as attractive as I once did.

2010-02-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

I hung out with a straight buddy for a while today. He is a handy man, and I watched him 'build stuff'. It was pretty hot. There is just something so incredibly masculine about building stuff with your hands. I was sort of envious that he knew how to all this hands on stuff. Sort of wishing I could do it too. But at the same time, I like my white collar job and my white collar pay. Living pay check to pay check does not appeal to me at all. Towards the end he was probing what my plans were this week and hinting that we should go rock climbing. I think I'm as close to having a full on crush on him without actually having one. That is, I like him a great deal, but not enough to think about him every waking moment of my day.

2010-02-21T15:53:00.000-08:00

It's been a slow slow realization that God has fallen out of my life. I'm not even sure how far back it goes when I last felt the burning in my bosom. I think it has probably been years, too many to count I suppose. All these years I've just been paying lip service to a God that I said I believed in. I was too caught up with the going ons in my life. Too busy with school, then too busy with work, and too busy being selfish.

I felt the sweet tender spirit of the Lord today, even though I wouldn't have thought I'd be entitled to it. I felt a testimony once more that he cared about me. That he forgives me when I am wrong.

I suppose I have some pondering to do now. About how I can put myself back in a place where I would be entitled to the constant companionship of the spirit.

My big worry is that when I wake up tomorrow, old habits will resurface, and I'd forget about God once more. That I'd go back and be consumed by worldly things.

Thoughts?

2010-02-20T09:06:00.000-08:00

Oh how the wheels turn so quickly. I'm back to feeling depressed. I don't even know why. It's just a general feeling of non-motivation about anything.

2010-02-19T07:04:00.000-08:00

Life is pretty dang good. While SSA feels like a punishment sometimes, I must admit I have it pretty good in a lot of other areas of life. Definitely am counting my blessings and am grateful for them.

2010-02-18T20:13:00.000-08:00

Text book answers says: Once we get to know an attractive guy well and makes friends with them, we will have our attraction toward them diminish.

I don't like text book answer. It's more fun when I find them 'really' attractive. Now I look at some of my guy friends and think how is it possible that I found them extremely attractive before and now, not so much.

2010-02-17T10:50:00.001-08:00

I hung out with the cutest straight boy last night. There were definitely moments when I wished he was gay.

2010-02-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

One great desire that I have is to feel like I'm a 'real man'. I think I've come a long way in the last 6 months. And I suspect that I will continue to feel better about myself in the next 6 months. Without going in to details, I've made myself available to do all sort of classically manly activities and it's been really fun for me.

While I was thinking about this today, I thought about a couple of active lds ssa men I know. Their point of view is that they want to be the man they want to be. They don't want to conform to society. Which on paper kind of sounds good, but I suspect their belief is incomplete. While every man is different and unique, there are lots of common threads that run though most men in our western society. To not be able to or unwilling to confirm to social norms for generally accepted definitions of manhood means it makes it more difficult for a ssa men to 'connect' a great many straight men in our society.

In my experience, when I compare myself to other ssa men that I've met, I've had a great deal more success with friendships with straight men. I suspect it is because I can conform to social norms in a way that they can not or will not.

Why it's been so difficult for me to connect with ssa men, well I don't have an answer for that. Frankly, I don't care anymore.

2010-02-15T19:40:00.000-08:00

Personal experience has taught me that...
1. I can trust most straight men a great deal.
2. A lot of non-lds gay men can be trusted (under the right circumstances)
3. 75% of still active lds ssa men that I've met can not be trusted.
4. I am still making up my mind on non active lds gay men. I question their motivates, especially if it looks like they want to help me turn fully gay.

I know 2&4 sound weird together. I'm just speaking from personal experience of different people I've met over the years.

2010-02-14T22:40:00.000-08:00

So my gay friend from last night texted me at noon today, saying he had a good time with me last night. And he sort of indirectly probed how much free time I had today before my flight home. So I gave him a time that was a little earlier than my actual flight so I can make it seem like there is no time for us to meet up again. I didn't want to make it seem awkward or hurt his feelings. After all, for all I know he probably only wants sex, and with my chastity belt on, he ain't getting any. He lamented that we didn't live in the same city, and then he gave me his full name so I can find him on facebook. There is no frigging way I am adding him on facebook. I like my seemingly straight life just fine, there is no way I am going to let him out me on facebook. So I'm pretty sure it would be a terrible idea to visit gay club in home town. I don't need a stalker in home town. That would just be weird.

So having only been to Church once in the last 10 weeks, I decided to go today. I looked up the times on the web and drove out to the student ward. The missionary seeing that I'm wearing casual clothes comes and sits next to me. I of cause had to explain that I'm already a member. This guy was very easy on the eyes. So I was pretty happy he sat next to me. He was pretty friendly too. Being friendly is part of the job of being a missionary. Why don't they stay that way after their mission? Well some do, and some don't.

During sacrament meeting I spot this guy who is very attractive and dressed very well. Then I think, he is dressed too well. Something is different about him. After sacrament meeting I catch some 'mannerism' and it clicks in my head. Then somehow I managed to sit behind him in sunday school, and my gaydar just went off progressively louder and louder.

The rest of my day, I was just sightseeing. I lost count how many young attractive dads I saw today. If I were to have a fetish, young attractive dads would be it. I bet there is some therapy work there. To that special someone who is reading this, don't gloat too hard (inside joke).

2010-02-14T03:54:00.000-08:00

The day after seeing (former) best friend, was weird. I miss him like crazy now. I wished we still lived in the same city.
-----------------------------------

I've been curious about going to a gay club for some months now. I've never gone in home town because well.... it's too close to home. The last couple of times I was out of town, I've thought about it but never carried it out. I've been thinking about it on and off today. And and 10pm tonight starting thinking about it again. I was quite tired at that point, and could have fallen asleep really quickly. But I still really wanted to go. I then thought isn't being a man, is to be able to do things that I'm afraid of? So I challenged myself to go for the sake of my manhood. First club I went to was really lame, the music sucked big time. Not knowing anyone there, I just stood on the side for about 45 mins. Then I went and walked over to a different club a few streets away.

This second one was rocking. The music was better, and the place was packed. There were so many cute boys there, I could hardly believe my eyes. I've never been to a gay club by myself before, so the experience was really new to me. I went in with a lot of fear. I feared the unknown. I fear that some cute guy would try and pop my cherry. I probably danced unmolested for about an hour, and thought, hey this is a pretty safe place, no one is paying any attention to me. Then of cause this guy grabs me and starts grinding with me. I just went with it. I was curious. Fearing that I'd give him the wrong idea, I told him that I've never been to a gay club before, that I'm very religious, and that I'm not looking for any sex. He said no problems and that he respect my beliefs. He remained interested enough in me to keep dancing with me. Fast forward a few hours, and suddenly I now know how to kiss. My virgin lips have been poped. That's about as far as it got. I left the club and drove back to my hotel alone.

I'm kind of glad I have some idea now on how to kiss. I wasn't too excited by his multiple kissess. I'd always imaged it would feel more explosive, so I was kind of let down. Anyhow, should I ever reach the stage where I can kiss a girl one day, I'd now know how to lean in a kiss.

While I was at the club, I thought, maybe I can start going to clubs back home. Then I decided that it would be a bad bad idea.

So friend from club got my number and asked if we can hang out Sunday morning? I told him 'maybe', which kind of means no, without having the say no. I don't want to think about how much trouble I'd be in if he got me to do unspeakable things.

Now I'm going to look up the ward info for the local singles ward. I should go to Church tomorrow.

2010-02-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

Today was just one misadventure after another after another. It really tested my newly learnt ability to not 'worry'. But in the end everything turned out fine.

It was a long day at my best friend's wedding. But it was a good day. Having not seen him in almost 6 months, it was a little weird to see him. I wanted to connect with him like when we lived close to one another, but something just seemed different. And it was from my end and not him. He seemed pretty excited to see me, and he pretty much said as much. I guess I didn't know how to connect with him when there are so many other people around. And I was used to a lot of one on one time with him.

When I knew him, I'm fairly certain that I was the one guy friend that he hung out with the most, outside of his roommates. So it was weird to see his other best friends, guys that he grew up with and guys that he went to school with. The good part was that his friends are so cool and were so accepting of me.

My friend gave me the best hug tonight as I said good bye, he embraced me and had his face brush up against mine, I could feel the hair on his face against mine.

Maybe one day I too will get married.

2010-02-11T13:59:00.000-08:00

On my way to catch my flight for my former best friend's wedding. "Former" because we don't live in the same city anymore. My friend is quite the handsome man, and so is his bride to be. If they are both good mormons like I understand them to be, I'm sure it's going to be like fireworks for each of them tomorrow night. Since he is straight, I have no doubt his equipment will stand to attention just fine. I however, am imaging myself sometime in the distant future with a bride to be and wondering how that first time will go? It's going to be painful if I can't get the equipment to go up. Oh dear....

2010-02-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

I got drilled for a couple of hours today by a friend on how I feel about God. He was relentless. I've been feeling so casual about God for a long time now. It was like I believed that he existed, but I just didn't think much about it. It was nice to see my friend being so passionate about my salvation. Most LDS people in my experience are some what polite on the subject on religion, and won't push too hard, my friend was definitely not like most LDS people. In the end he didn't really talk me into anything, but I decided on my own that I can give it a good effort to connect to God, in other words I can make a daily effort to 'draw near unto him'.

----------------------

Life really has been changing for the better in recent weeks. I am finding a lot of clarity about life, my life, about how things should be and how things could or will be moving forward. It's like that dark mist that has covered my eyes for so long is finally lifting and I can begin to peek in to the distance.

2010-02-10T11:27:00.001-08:00

One of life's simple pleasures is eating at Taco_Bell :)

2010-02-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

Mr Paul_Walker on this month's Men's Health is smoking hot.

2010-02-09T18:01:00.000-08:00

Two more ssa people got banned from my life, due to their inability to reply to me. This time instead of deleting their contact details, I amended them with the suffix of "DNC" before their name. Meaning "Do Not Call". Soon life as I know it might seem like I've never met any ssa people.

Meanwhile, I made a new friend today. He is so cute.

2010-02-09T17:55:00.000-08:00

While I was browsing the status updates on facebook this morning, I noticed a ssa friend commenting on someone's status update. I think to myself that I have no idea who this other person is, so why would facebook point this out? So I dig a little deeper to see who this person is. In deed I have no idea who this man is, but we have 4 friends in common and 3 out of 4 I know for a fact are ssa. Not going to lie, he is a handsome dude, and lives out in LA, which is no where near where I live. He looks straight in some photos, and in others there looks to be a hint of gayness....hmmm.

Likely our paths will never cross. And I'm okay with that. I like life just fine that way it is.

2010-02-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

Why do some SSA men talk so much like women? Not in tone, but rather in words chosen. It really bugs me a lot. It is just not manly. Not going to lie, I like man to be manly.

2010-02-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I sort of noticed that my jeans were sort of looser on me. Meaning that I was losing weight, even though I wasn't trying. Then I had a depressing weekend where I just sort of felt bad because I was so addicted to p&m. And so I just ate like crazy all weekend. So I guess the weight I lost might be coming back...haha.

P&M is holding me back from progress. I'm forever stuck if I remain a slave to P&M. In recent months my will power to stop has just vanished. It really has been a few years since it was last this bad. Although I sort of had an epiphany the other day. Just as my failed relationships with other SSA guys was keeping me in a bad place emotionally, p&m was holding back me in a bad place emotionally too. If I could delete p&m out of my address book, I would. Since that is not possible, the next best thing is think of p&m as something just down right evil, and not good for me. Which is not that dissimilar to how I felt about some SSA men. I wonder how this new shift in paradigm will last, and how effective it might be. Only time will tell I guess.

I had someone that I deleted from my address book txt me the other day saying hi. Since I had no idea who this person was anymore, I replied and ask who it was? I got no response back. So the next day I went ahead and deleted the txt message.

Sad to say, but I really can't help but 'feel' that my general perception of other ssa men are that they have personalities that are just down right evil. I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. Obviously this is just a sweeping statement, and there are a small number of ssa men that I am very fond of. What's weird about my feelings is that a lot of things I do are the opposite of text book answers of how I as a ssa men should act and feel. For example, I trust straight men, and don't trust gay men. I have a reasonably easy time making friends with straight men, and I have had difficult cultivating friendships with gay men. It is a little strange for me to feel that there are people who live near by who are like me, but they are not available for me to tap as a resource. Maybe it is for the best, when I moved to my new home last year, I had a fear that I would be sucked into the 'gay ghetto' that was near by and my life would only revolve those people. A lot of these people don't really have straight friends, which I think is not at all healthy.

Now that ssa men are mostly out of my life, I'm making some good progress in cementing some healthy straight male friendships in my newish town. Friday night, one friend took me snowboarding and spent time helping me develop my skills some more. On Saturday a different friend spent part of the day hanging out with me, we played table tennis, pool, and he gave me a quick lesson on how to play golf, with the promise that he will take me to the golf course in the summer. On Sunday night I had a different friend invite me to watch the superbowl with him and his family. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to the gym tomorrow with a different straight friend. I feel good that there are a bunch of different straight men that I can spend time with.

The conclusion I've drawn from writing this lengthy post, is that I am bitter about the experience of feeling rejected by the ssa men that I've met in recent times. Hopefully venting on my blog will help me get over it and just move on with my life.

2010-02-05T21:01:00.001-08:00

One fun thing about going snowboarding is that there are so many hot guys there. It really is a sight for sore eyes.

2010-02-05T12:01:00.000-08:00

It's been interesting to reflect back on life for the last couple of months. December and January were tough months for me. During those times, I often felt depressed and was very unsure of myself. Usually I am a workaholic, to not work was very difficult for me. During those two months, work was just far away from my mind. I did the absolute bare minimum, and if others weren't depending on me, I would have done even less.

In recent weeks I found a stability that I haven't felt in a while. Life just seems normal again. My interest in working is starting to return. And I feel everyday I'm one step closer to my idealized self. That is a good thing.

2010-02-04T20:43:00.000-08:00

One of my cheap thrills that I get from life is sitting in my car in traffic and checking out the hot guys driving in cars behind me. Sometimes I wonder if they can notice me checking them out through my rear view mirror.

2010-02-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

SSA Friend: Do you want to go to a SSA gathering tomorrow night?
Me: No thanks, I don't do those things anymore. (once burnt, twice shy)

------------------------

I went to the gym tonight with my OSA buddy. He got me working out pretty hard, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be crazy sore tomorrow and Friday, and of cause I happen to have planned to go snowboarding both those days. I think ibuprofen is about to become my new best friend.

Afterwards OSA buddy and I went to watch the Utes lose in basketball. Sad.

2010-02-03T05:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many people actually reads this little blog, but I figured I better write something nice about the people in my life now and recently, otherwise y'all might think I hate everyone.

OSA G: Love him to death. We used to be roommates for about a year. He knows a lot about me, and vice versa. Even though we don't live together anymore, he check texts/calls me once in a while to check up on me.

OSA E: Amazing guy. We were once roommates too. He was the cool guy that did cool things, and often he would bring me along. nuff said.

OSA S: Another one who knows. Although he is pretty busy with work and girlfriend, he still makes time for me some what regularly.

OSA R: Before my move to SLC, he was my best friend. We hung out together quite often. We had a particular restaurant that we'd go to together all the time.

OSA T(1): Easily the most "manly" and yet humble man I know. Crazy good looking too. His job is to rescue people in dangerous situations. He recently told me I was one of his 5 or 6 closest friends.

OSA J: Probably one of the most "spiritual" man I know. For a man as busy as he is, he really does give me quite a bit of his time on a regular basis.

OSA T(2): My rock climbing friend. He is always so nice to me. There isn't anyone that makes my heart melt quite like he does.

OSA A: We play basketball and bowling together and soon ping pong. I'm always excited to see him.

OSA R: Very kind man. I can tell he is always happy to see me. If I were to say let's do something, he would often say yes.

OSA M: My new roommate. I told him about my SSA before he moved in, just to avoid stupid dating questions once he moved in. He has never let my sexuality bother him. He is still just as nice to me as before I told him. And he is a really sweet man with a kind personality.

SSA R: I used to go grab a bite to eat weekly with this man. He is way cool. Since there is such a large distance between us now, we don't talk as much anymore.

SSA J: Amazingly good looking with abs of steel, and REALLY good at replying to my txt messages. nuff said.

2010-02-02T22:16:00.000-08:00

I don't like it when people talk to me in vague terms. For example, "I'll call you soon". A more direct way with less ambiguity, would be "I'll call you tonight at 8pm" or "I'll call you tomorrow night".

This sort of reminds me of my old job when one team member would email another team member for a job to be done "asap". Without clarity, the other team member of cause does not it right away, because she had no real understand when it is really due, saying asap is just too vague. With mountains of work that she already had, it was no wonder she does not drop the work she already had.

2010-02-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

Why is it that SSA people are so darn SLOW to reply to me, either by text, email or phone call? I don't like this at all. I don't need a fast response, but I do expect a response in a reasonable amount of time. My straight friends don't do this to me. Freak, it is so annoying. I think I'm on the verge of deleting more contacts off my address book. Truly at this rate, there won't be more than 2 or 3 SSA numbers left.

2010-02-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a few years since I last watched an episode of The Bachelor. Wow, he is so beautiful. I've only watched one episode and I think I can fall in love with him.

2010-01-31T18:11:00.000-08:00

Thought No.1
Oh how depressing it is to read other lds ssa blogs and see them living a different life than the one I've chosen. Makes me wonder again if I'm just delaying the inevitable? Who knows, I guess only time can tell.

Thought No.2
Something is missing...I just can't quite put my finger on it. I feel like it is just around the corner, but which corner? Oh there is many to sort through. I feel some intense "need" of something. Although I can not articulate what I need.

2010-01-31T17:09:00.000-08:00

I met some cool straight guys this weekend. One guy said he would go rock climbing with me. And so now I day dream about him...haha.

2010-01-27T05:41:00.000-08:00

Dang it, a reverse facebook look up was done on me. It was only yesterday I wondered if facebook has outed me to other people, and indeed it has. And it's all because the hyper connectedness of one person!!! He is lucky I like him, otherwise I'd consider de-friending him :P

2010-01-26T21:17:00.000-08:00

Roommate's girlfriend: 'Some Like It Hot' can I ask you a serious question?
ME: (Starts sweating bullets, wondering what question it is she wants to ask? Like does she want to know if I like boys?) Sure... (nervous look on my face)
RGF: Can I have some of your ice cream?
ME: Sure, as much as you want. (Big sigh of relief)

~Girls should learn not to scare boys like that~

2010-01-26T20:25:00.001-08:00

GQ is a straight men's magazine right? There is always a naked girl spread in every issue.

2010-01-26T18:35:00.000-08:00

I "think" my life is rebalancing itself again. I "feel" normal. There are no more "hard to understand" people in my life. Things are "nice".

On the flip side, the gay guy I met last night. I like him. We only had a 20 minute or so chat. I'm intrigued by him. I have wondered what it is like to kiss him, BUT nothing more. I don't want to be disfellowshipped or excommunicated.

On other flip side, my straight guy friend (who knows) emailed me today to let me know that he is available to spend some one-on-one guy bonding time with me if I wanted it. Usually it's me, him and his girlfriend. Anyhow I thought that was a really nice gesture by him.

2010-01-25T21:21:00.001-08:00

Oh facebook, you are so good at outing people, even people I have just barely met tonight and were questioning.

2010-01-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

It had never crossed my mind what "cute young married guy from the locker room" looked like naked. Now that I know, I can get back to enjoying him as a human being and not a sexual object, not that I've ever had any sexual thoughts about him.

We had another good chat today. He is so dreamy. I would say his wife is a lucky woman.

2010-01-24T20:02:00.001-08:00

Home work from my straight friend:

Go talk to more girls....Argh!

2010-01-23T23:30:00.001-08:00

No matter how sucky my life seems, it's true there is always someone who I think have things even worse. I should count my blessings.

2010-01-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to David Cook's version of Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby" for 3 days straight now. I'm finally get tired of hearing it.

I've been continuing to feel depressed. It's been really sucky. Lucky for me, my straight friends care enough about me to reach out and do stuff with me. So without too much effort on my part, I had something to do last night, tonight, and tomorrow night.

I added one ssa phone number back, you know who you are. But I think I'm on the verge of purging one if not more numbers. At this rate I won't know anyone who is SSA...haha. Just kidding.

I'm starting to think there is no cure for homosexuality. I just ended therapy with my last therapist. In the end I started to think he didn't actually know anything. So I'm on the hunt to find a new guy. So if there is indeed no cure for homosexuality, then I need to shift to a new paradigm. Kind of where I just accept it for what it is.

My buddy and I watched the BYU game tonight. It was fun to see how worked up he gets. Lucky for us BYU narrowly won, I hate to see how depressed he would have gotten otherwise.

I've been to church once in the last two months. I guess that makes me sort of inactive. It really just snuck up on me. I'm having a problem with p0 rn, and that keeps me from wanting to go to church. I don't really want to go tomorrow either. But maybe I should. I know if I went my home teaching companion will harass me to go home teaching with him and I don't really feel like it.

2010-01-22T22:55:00.000-08:00

Today I saw hot guys at:

1. REI
2. Brighton Resort
3. Jimmy Fallon (Yes I think he is hot)

2010-01-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

It dawned on me today that of the hand full of close guy friends I have, all of them are straight. Not that I'm that surprised, given how difficult I've found ssa men to be friends with. And since deleting most ssa phone numbers from my phone last weekend, I've been feeling a great deal happier.

6 months ago, I rarely ever played any sports. Now on average I do about 10 hours each week. Crazy huh!

2010-01-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks I've been making small chat with this really cute young married guy in the locker room. I think we had the longest conversation yet today. Hours later, I'm still day dreaming about him. No doubt I'll run into him again next week. If I can some how work out how to turn him from a locker room acquaintance to a friend, that would be pretty amazing.

2010-01-18T21:49:00.000-08:00

It used to be fun trying to guess who was likely to be SSA, now with Facebook most of the guess work is taken out. I just see who our mutual friends are.

2010-01-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite past times is to look through pictures of either hot guys I know on facebook, or pics of hot guys that are friends of my friends. Then I privately wish I could be them. I wish I had the energy they seem to have.

2010-01-18T10:43:00.000-08:00

I want to go to the gym daily, but I'm so lazy. Anyone know how to motivate me to go more often.

2010-01-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

Why are ads for Dolce and Gabbana always so full of homosexual overtones? Is it a gay brand and I just didn't know it?

2010-01-16T11:54:00.000-08:00

I went through and purged a great many of the ssa contacts in my phone this morning. I removed anyone that I've felt no connection to. I will do another purge tomorrow and the day after, then I think I will be done.

2010-01-15T23:05:00.000-08:00

Whenever I go rock climbing there is always an abundance of hot looking guys. I so desire to get to know them better.

2010-01-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling with a ssa friend's view of what friendship is. He says we are friends but we rarely spend any physical time together. I just can't do that type of friendship. To me that is not a friendship, that is an acquaintanceship.

I wish I could just let it be. But I can't. So I may just remove him from my phone. If I were to do that I can put a definite end to the friendship. I want to be closer to him, but I don't think that is possible, so I rather just terminate it completely.

2010-01-13T15:26:00.000-08:00

My straight friend who knows about my SSA was telling me about his intense attraction women with big breast and how that is a problem for him. In my mind I just drew a blank. It was impossible for me to relate to him. Most of the time when I see a woman, their breast are invisible to me.

2010-01-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

SSA men are really just drama for me. I've had enough of them. I'm going to defensively detachment and go back to OSA men. Since I've made this decision a couple of days ago I've felt so much happier. It's like I've just vanquished all this drama from my life. I know usually it's the other way around. SSA tend to have the problems with OSA people instead of SSA people. I'm a little different I guess.

I will keep a few select SSA men in my life. Just those I can trust not to turn drama queen on me.

2010-01-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to a seemingly very gay mix of songs on Pandora and enjoying it. Thank goodness I'm home alone, I would never admit to listening to Madonna, No Doubt, Nelly Furtado, Pink, The pussycat dolls and Fergie.

2010-01-06T07:28:00.000-08:00

I reached out and texted a friend yesterday and he texted back saying he didn't want to be my friend anymore. I felt like a steam roller just ran over me. I was interested in friendship with this man, but I certainly wasn't overly committed to it. Nevertheless I still felt bad. He basically said it was things I did. Without going into detail. I can appreciate his point of view. Nevertheless my feelings were still hurt.

Thinking about what went wrong, I guess our personalities just didn't mix well.

Deleted from my phone.

The end.

2010-01-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough, after having wondered about the ratio of active lds females to active lds males, I found these posts that talk about what it's like being an older single female.

http://bycommonconsent.com/2009/12/28/celibacy-in-new-york-city/#more-14450

http://zelophehadsdaughters.com/2009/12/29/being-a-30-something-single-woman-in-the-church-part-i-dating/

2010-01-01T11:50:00.001-08:00

Can't help but wonder...since single LDS girls out number single LDS boys 2 to 1. Would a SSA boy be a better option for a single LDS girl, verses no LDS boy at all?

2009-12-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

This is the third time I've been to SLC international airport in the last 2 weeks. I love the free wifi here. Once again, I'm off to a warmer place. And I'm going to hangout with one of my favorite straight guy friend. Despite the seeming suckie life I seem to live sometimes, every now and then I do get to have some fun.

To top it off, there is a cute guy sleeping a few seats in front of me. He is definitely easy on the eyes.

2009-12-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

SSA men are just too confusing for me. Straight men are not. I think I'm just about done with SSA men. I need less confusion in my life.

2009-12-14T20:10:00.000-08:00

I hung out with my most favorite SSA male friend today. I haven't seen him in a really long time. He is always so nice to me and never once has he been judgmental of me. He gave me some amazing words of advice today. Which got me to stop feeling so crap about myself. This man is a real blessing to me. And to top it off, he is so darn handsome. He is perfect...haha.

With the great advice that I've been given, I would like to think and hope all the drama and depression of the last 2 weeks can now end.

2009-12-14T10:57:00.000-08:00

I'm so ANGRY at everything!

2009-12-12T23:03:00.000-08:00

Life is has so crappy the last couple of weeks. I've been so depressed. It got so bad yesterday that I just felt so overwhelmed by it. It was easily one of the worst days I've had in a while. It seemed like utter despair.

Then in a blink of an eye, it all changed. Today was great! I had lunch with a very handsome guy OSA guy from my ward. If I knew how to spend more time with him I would. He really is so dreamy. I really enjoy his company. Tonight I went out to eat with another OSA guy. It was nice to watch him and his girlfriend interact. He is really nice to me too, so that made me feel real good.

Earlier today I wrote an email to another OSA guy that I know very well. I was telling him about how depressed I've been feeling lately. He wrote back tonight, with his thoughts, saying he will call me tomorrow night and catch up, he then ended the email with 'love you buddy'. To see those words from him was huge. It made me feel like a million bucks.

I don't understand how I can have a nightmarish day then have the following day be like a dream.

2009-12-05T12:21:00.000-08:00

Goal:
1. Fix relationships with men.
2. Then move on to women.
3. Live happily after.